Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinks it's time to start working out. I'm used to my stomach jiggling when I brush my teeth, but now it won't stop until I finish rinsing.

   joined the group "George Burns to host SNL" Let's see how good you THINK you are Facebook....

   Im the kinda human wreckage that you love

   Drama haters are the biggest drama makers !

   just a fig newton of your imagination

   Anybody know how to calm down a 5 year old who's high on 3 bowls of Sugar Crisp? HELP!!!

   Please put this on your status if you know, or are related to someone killed on the Death Star. My wish for2010 is that people will understand that the Rebel Alliance is a band of terrorist scum. The Empire wants only to bring peace to the galaxybut these

   awake ❒ asleep ❒ concious but hung over ✔

   me and time are drinking buddies. Whenever we get around each other we get absolutely wasted

   thinking whomever that came up with the Have A Happy Period ad campaign is an idiotic, 45 yr old virginal man, raised in the wild, by wolves.

   FB is soo useful always reminds you of birthdays and anniversaries, Never forget your wifes birthday...

   if you and I always agree.......... one of us is unnecessary

   says that the depressing thing about tennis is that, no matter how good you get, you will never be better than a wall

   So I got out of having to hang with the inlaws by going to work. Good trade I say!

   Ahhhhhhhh, those carefree days of yore when we could pick a frilly dandelion puff from it's roots and blow them into the wind. NOW IT'S ALL OUT FRIGGIN' WAR!!!!! Kill the dandelions! Kill Kill Kill!!

   Cherish your dreams ,as they are the children of your soul,the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.

   Since switching from PC to MAC, my computer never goes down on me :(

   refuses to "lather, rinse, repeat". Seriously... how dirty do they think my hair gets?!?

   Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

   sometimes I find hope at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.