Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? el-if-i-no

   Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!

   confesses he only watches "Dancing with The Stars" for the boobs.

   I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.

   1852 was a great year, they found the cure for stupidity .... a smith and wesson

   afraid of yellow crayons.

   you shouldn't let fear keep you from doing what's right.

   will be attending Sleep. Invited By : Mr Sandman.RSVP: Yes. Location: My Bed. Time: Now until 7 Am.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice...

   To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness...

   First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down...

   Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing....

   Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife....

   ..is already missing her time in Palermo. They had sunshine and sexy women. What does the U.K. haue? A week of summer and Susan Boyle.

   MySpace is the VHS of the internet.

   Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

   Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives...

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet...

   Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off...

   I once had fake plants in my house, but they died, because I forgot to pretend to water them.