Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.

   Every time I pour water on myself when attempting to use a water bottle I get sad because even hamsters have mastered this.

   We need a set time limit for when people can say "long story short," because it usually comes WAY too late.

   I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.

   There's someone outside wearing nothing but cowboy boots, a candy necklace and a tiara. Damn. What am I suppose to wear now?

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman in spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Flubber hugging lady leggings".

   Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

   Just once I'd like to go into a bar bathroom and under the "For a good time call-" written under it: B- ..4 out of 5 stars, would call again

   Do you ever laugh so hard you accidentally work your abs?

   Dear BP, None of this would've happened if you had hired the best deep core drilling team -- Bruce Willis, Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, and the big black guy from Green Mile.

   soo The Humane Society says donations can help homeless animals, but I find it's easier to just give a couple bucks to every stray cat I see...

   "If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"

   Next time I'm on a job interview and they ask my accomplishments, I'm going to say , "Don't know if you know this, but Windows 7 was my idea."

   Scientists developed a new car that can run on water. Only catch is, it has to be water from the Gulf of Mexico.

   True love is never having to say "How was I ?"

   Good morning, and a Happy Hurricane Season to all.......

   Don't let life get in the way of your dreams... go back to sleep!

   thinks Apple needs a device that emits warning signals that a loser is approaching...call it the iPutz.

   LOGOUT: The hardest button to click on Facebook.

   Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”