Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If age is just a number, can I get mine unlisted?

   I can't believe I paid $6 for diahrea thanks Taco Bell!

   I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

   I can never remember whether or not I'm supposed to mess with Texas.

   Match.com says it's responsible for more dates leading to marriages that any other online site. And yet, it has no warning label.

   The fine print on Krazy Glue reads, "The only two things this product will successfully attach are your fingers and this tube."

   Only spell it "errbody" if literally each person in the club is gettin tipsy.

   making love to your pregnant wife is like putting gas in a car you've already wrecked.

   on a seefood diet,,,, I see food and eat it

   I don't think of Canada as a different country, I think of it more like, America's Hat, because they've always got us covered. Same goes for Mexico, I think of them as Americas Legs, because without them, none of the labor would get done.

   in the last stall of the men's/women's bathroom at the library. Could someone please bring me some toilet paper?!

   Two eyebrows are better than one.

   trying to figure out where deleted data off your mobile phone goes...?

   I bought a dog and named him Stay. Poor thing gets confused when I call him "Come here,Stay!" "Come here,Stay!"

   constantly amazed at how peoples lips keep moving when they are talking through their arses !!!

   The Chinese are so advanced in technology, that they are already selling "Fifa World Cup 2010, South Africa - All the goals and highlights"

   If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.

   OK, I'm not sure what button I hit on Facebook's privacy settings, but I just found Mark Zuckerberg in my home going through my photo albums

   the world is hilarious, first swine flu then justin bieber then oil spill?!

   I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.