Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

   I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...

   The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart

   I think “be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

   Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.

   thinks the BP executive management team that's responsible for the day to day running of the company should be the ones cleaning the oil spill!

   if the broom fits...RIDE IT!

   get a life is your only copyright

   you're allways late, your work is slack, you bit#h and wine behind my back, a 2hr lunch 4u is quick, and twice a week you call in sick, i've hated you since the day you were hired, get to work are your fat a#s is fired

   You are so pathetic that Tom wont even be friends with you on myspace.

   Next Week is not good for me the Jonas Brothers are in town

   A girl without curves is like going on a road trip with no turns, you get where you're going quickly but the ride is boring as hell!!!

   The BP president said that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, "Don't worry, my car is fine."

   Ahh..Monday, so we meet again... You dirty b*tch

   It's so adorable how MySpace keeps sending me reminders to come back.

   Marriage is like a casino... You go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   Ice. Bank. Mice. Elf. Say it out loud.

   I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why I get honked at all the time.

   I'm feeling adventurous, so I'm going to go to sleep and try to dodge Freddy Krueger. Wish me luck!

   There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours.