Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do camels think their feet looks like pussies?

   I mix Corona with water and it gets me drunk... mixed Wine with water and it gets me drunk... I mix Tequila with water and gets me drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...

   Many personality flaws are now treatable mental illnesses... My insurance denied me coverage, apparently being an @sshole is a preexisting condition.

   Ok, TV coroners. We get it. You're comfortable around dead bodies. You can stop putting your sandwiches on them.

   I once went 4 days with out a cell phone. So ya, Third World Countries, I get it now.

   With all the disease in this world, I'm just happy I didn't catch "The Stupid", or any other airborne illness like Freckles

   You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted!,

   Footall AKA Soccer = the cure for insomnia

   What do I mean, "inner geek"? I'm deluding myself -- I'm pretty much geek all the way through.

   put the bom in the bom sha-bom bom, but lays no claim to the ram in the ramalama ding dong.

   thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest...

   I saw an Indian guy violently shaking a rug, I suppose to clean it. I couldn't help myself, I asked "Can't get it started?"

   sick and is therefore listening to The Cure.

   "Louisiana isn't the only place that has shrimp," said BP rep Randy Prescott. His office phone number is (713) 323-4093 and e-mail is randy.prescott@bp.com. Give him a call and tell him that BP isn't the only place that has fuel for your car.

   .has decided that, instead of being a good example, I'll be a warning.

   Something women would NEVER say: "This diamond is too big"

   I feel like a million bucks...now where can I go cash this in?

   "I'm Tom Bodett of Motel 6, we'll leave the Lysol on for ya"

   When the world kicks you when you're down, breaks its legs.

   Something a wife would NEVER say to her husband: "Could you please stop washing the dishes and sit down and have a beer with me, I can't hear the game!"