Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my two buddies walked into a bar, but I ducked

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies...

   My plans for this weekend are so top secret even I don't know what they are.

   Tried to watch the World Cup....Why does it sound like there is a pi$$ed off swarm of hornets at every game????

   Thinking of getting a HUGE TATTOO on my neck....Oh ya, that's a good look!!!

   Spys search social networking sites like Facebook for info. It would be great if we could just start posting all kinds of bogus info just to mess with their searches!

   Studies show that four out of five poker players take drugs to keep awake and sharp at the table. The one that doesn't stay sharp is the one who shouts out "Go Fish!"

   exceptionally frustrated! How can I creep your Facebook page when I have to wade thru your farm, mafia, daily luck, horoscope, quiz results, lover/friend of the day, cafe world, and everything of which you've now become a fan? Make it easy on me people!!!

   Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets...

   Sometimes I read Facebook status updates and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine.

   I don't allow men to smoke in my room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.

   just admitted himself into the hokey pokey institute...I figure it a way to turn my life around.

   When they eventually find the center of the Universe, a lot of people will be surprised to find out it's NOT them...

   "This isn't what it looks like" almost ALWAYS means "This is exactly what it looks like." Just sayin'...

   Since Facebook came into my life I have completely neglected MySpace. This must be what parents feel like when they have a second child.

   I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

   I just wrote a note to my utilities company: Dear Utilities, Life is full of surprises. This month we won't be paying our bill. SURPRISE!

   I think experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

   Iif time travel were possible, my future self would have shown up to slap some sense into me by now.

   Call me immature ONE more time, and you'll no longer be invited to help me build a kick-butt couch cushion fort.