Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.

   Probably the most awkward thing for Chinese parents is not explaining where babies come from, but rather, where they go.

   Why are they called "Starving Artists" instead of "Untalented Hippies"?

   Looked over and saw a giant frickin' spider crawling on my shoulder, so if anyone needs me I'll be over here NEVER SLEEPING EVER AGAIN EVER.

   Some people have food in their teeth because no one likes them enough to mention it. This serves as an early warning system for @ssholes.

   I wish more people would put their highways up for adoption. So many people want one and are unable to have their own.

   I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her !

   donated £5 to the African children in need appeal, what they spend it on? A fu@king annoying world cup trumpet!

   Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your bf or gf wants 2 leave u, they should give you 2wks notice. There should b severance pay, and b4 they leave u, they should have to find you a temp!!

   Everybody's tan will be so much darker this year.

   Just read that Jimmy Dean has died at age 81. RIP Instead of cremation his family has chosen to have him ground into a delicious breakfast sausage... Very touching

   its so humid, is that oil I smell in the air?

   life can taste sour but god can make it sweet

   It's been observed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff penalties.

   President Obama misunderstood that today is Flag Day. He thought it was Hag Day and took Helen Thomas out to lunch.

   upset about all of these celebrity deaths. First, Rue McClanahan, then, Gary Coleman, and now, Jimmy Dean. I guess you could summarize it as the loss of "sex, drugs, and sausage rolls"...

   Promises are like babies: easy to make but hard to deliver.

   ..i blame my typos on my years as a postwoman. Even today I cant help but miss a letter ot two..

   ...is upset about all of these celebrity deaths. First, Rue McClanahan, then, Gary Coleman, and now, Jimmy Dean. I guess you could summarize it as the loss of "sex, drugs, and sausage rolls"....