Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A push up bar and a push up bra are two completely different items that have the same effect when used properly.

   now currently accepting resumes for a Full and/or Part time girlfriend. All applicants may apply within. You will be contacted with a call back if you meet the appropriate requirements. Please send you # at FB mail. Thank you

   will no longer be posing nude for money..

   thinks that the worst part about not being able to log into Facebook is not having a place to complain about not being able to get on Facebook.

   A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine...

   Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. / I got to say it was a good day.

   I find my nose is always itchiest right before I scratch it.

   Will work for salary and benefits with an annual cost of living increase but not on weekends, statutory holidays, or during 3-week vacation.

   I see Coke is once again running their popular "Look Under the Cap to Try Again" contest.

   Google just returned 3,250,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments.

   I saw a PETA add with several attractive women saying “I'd rather go naked than wear fur”. Please, no one tell them there's a third option.

   You think when whoever invented the Bong, a black light appeared over their head....

   I received a Jury Summons today, guess its better then receiving an Arrest Warrant???

   Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies -- we'll make a fortune!

   Every Ice Age starts the same way. With a lonely squirrel just tryin' to get a nut.

   Who we are never changes. Who you think you are does.

   You can't talk to me that way. Seriously, turn towards me so I can hear what you're saying.

   I'd still be extremely impressed with a one trick pony if the trick were juggling.

   Reminder, fellas: bra cups come in sizes AA, A, B, C, D, DD, OMG, WTF.

   I saw a sign that said END ROAD WORK. I find it annoying too, but I don't think I would protest against it.