Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't run from hurricanes, I drink them.........

   ...just heard that the Jackson family has asked, In honor of the 1-year anniversary of the death of Michael Jackson, that all child actors wear their pants at "half-staff" today...

   in honor of Michael Jackson, I think I will start the day off with the famous "crazy feet" dance and end with grabbing my foster home sack!!

   ... the weather guy just said, "We'll keep you up to breast" instead of "abreast." Guess this heat is getting to him, too ...

   A ducks opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have any bread.

   I never knew how corny some of my friends were before I added them on Facebook.

   on a scale of 1 to justin bieber , how gay are you?

   sarcastic comment loading... ████████████ 95% ... wait for it... wait for it..

   --^v--^v--^v--^v-_____^v--^v--^v-- For a second there, I was bored to death

   learned to never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

   Can everyone who has an iPhone 4 stop talking about it until the rest of the world has them? Thanks.

   iPhone 4: Loses bars when you hold it, gets lost in bars when you don't.

   When I'm drunk you're hot, when I'm not, you're not.

   Yes, I realize I'm leaving early. But don't forget, I also came in late.

   If two trains leave New York, one heading west at 40mph and the other heading south at 35mph, where are my car keys?

   To whoever said "fight fire with fire": do you actually test your own advice before giving it?

   I laid awake all night again worrying about why I'm always so tired

   Bond. Hydrogen Bond.

   I'm not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.

   That thing people do with their mouth when they're using their tongue to get food out of their teeth, I bet there's porn for that.