Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.

   I'm getting bored with gravity. Time for an update with new features, universe!

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   This day needs more yesterday...

   go ahead follow in my footsteps but is warning you [s]he walks into walls

   I asked the Magic ❽ Ball if I was going to clean the house today and it said, Signs point to yes. Sh*t I hate when it says

   heading down to Fraggle Rock.....

   If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either!

   Whitney Houston may always love you but I will not! Not after you slept with my sister

   want$ $ucce$$ $o $he$ $uppo$edly I$ $elling $ea $hell$ $ea $hore like$ Ke$ha

   Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement? Is my statuses your drug? Huh your drug is my status your drug? Because your status is my drug huh your drug? huh your drug is my status your drug?

   :-O<----[ Sideways bob

   would like to thank the 5 supreme court justices that allowed us to keep one of our civil rights today. Long live the 2nd amendment!!

   My dog hired a Person Whisperer. So now I'm driving home with 87,000 chew toys and I don't know why

   Just a guess, but I'm suspecting if the Cancer Society held drinkathons instead of walkathons, we'd have a cure by now

   When someone says, "Facebook is stupid." what they really mean is "I don't know how to use a computer."

   Today's facebook Status update is brought to you by the letters "B"..and ored!

   got kicked out of a shop.....it said "wet floor"on the sign...so I did....

   thinking that anyone who has sex with a justin bieber CD playing in the room is CLEARLY underage and should STOP!

   ...thinks that the web loaded slowly enough before someone came up with the brilliant idea of adding all of these Facebook "Like" buttons...