Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullsh*t around your lips.

   Let me know if anyone's hiring right now... I specialize in destroying alarm clocks and petting kittens.

   Nothing makes me feel more American than the fact that my button has just popped off of my pants.

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

   the reason why I don't watch most reality tv shows is because of the elimination round why does everyone leave quietly? I personally would come out swearing and breaking things best to end with a bang right?

   hates it when he goes to a house and Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC is there! This is the 5th time this week

   his dreams shattered.. Megan Fox got married, there goes my 0.000000000001% chance

   I like "glass half full" type of people. Unless they're working behind the bar.

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   Native Americans are the most successful strippers because when they dance they make it rain....

   Facebook is a procrastinators best friend

   understands this whole concept of cooking and cleaning. What I don't understand, and has not been sufficiently explained, was how this all applies to me or why I should even try?

   there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs.

   Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?

   me people need a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the rest of the world is up

   I like your style ... I like your class ... but most of all I like your ass!

   Common sense isn't common

   Today's subliminal message is . . .

   Just put together my first "Ikea" furniture.....wow some real cardboard CRAP!.......Hey Sweden, here's a bright ikea.....KEEP IT

   I kissed a girl on the playground in the summer of '96. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."