Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The 5-second rule is real! Earlier I ate a chip that was on the floor for 6.7 seconds, and here I am at the ER.

   Let love come to you, be patient. In fairy tales they don't find each other until the last page :)

   wonders if who ever reads this would they ever make it to the end.. hehe they finished what losers

   It's never too late to start secretly playing air guitar.

   wonders if there is a cure for "dumbassness" if so, I know a few people who need a dose

   Social Networking is like Judaism based religions. 1st was Myspace, difficult to understand and these days they think there"special." 2nd came facebook; full of Hypocrites and false dreams. Lastly came Twitter; rarely understood by many and hated by most

   thinks that a couch in a nudist colony has to smell like ass.

   What happened to Swine Flu?

   Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation

   I wonder what a camel thinks of when he looks at his toe...

   I'm putting out my own sex tape. Sure, it's only duct tape, but you can use it for sex too.

   doesn't care how many dirty looks he gets, he thinks it's funny when his 3 year old flubs up something in public and goes "Oh, Jesus Cwist!".

   I've missed you guys like a retard misses the point.

   I'm never getting married. After learning another Bachelorette couple has split, I simply don't know what love is anymore.

   Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.

   "You look like you work out", said no one, to me.

   headed out for a quiet beer. Followed by ten noisy ones...

   it's impossible to fool-proof anything because fools are so ingenious.

   there are more important things in life than money. The trouble is, they all cost money.

   a bartender is just an under-qualified pharmacist.