Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are

   it 1 tap or 2 to request toilet paper from the next stall?

   Wondering what chickens think frogs taste like.

   stop making excuses and start finding the reasons to do things , the only limitation is your imagination and YOU !!

   just saw Eclipse and can't believe it took 3 movies (and 2 actresses) to kill off that b*tch Victoria! And Jacob - get a clue, you stalker!

   wondering if Bob Sheppard is up in heaven going " Now passing... thru the Gates of Heaven... Yankees owner... George Steinbrenner!" R.I.P. =P

   "Id rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not"

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't speel.

   cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...

   “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

   I loved once.. She was my first kiss, it was on the swingset in the park. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."

   All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   hotter then a priest on a playground..Bazinga

   saying goes: The darker the berry the sweeter the juice. Well the lighter the berry the longer it stays ripe. ;)

   Today: Consumer Reports cannot recommend iPhone 4. Tomorrow: Everyone at Consumer Reports found dead.

   Just ate two Double Downs at KFC, now there is an ambulance gurney following me everywhere

   ..instead of politicians saying "My heart goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan..." how about saying "A plane goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan to get them the f*ck out of there!"?

   Life insurance advertisements during "Final Destination". Touché insurance companies... touché

   As I grow older and wiser, I am increasingly aware that mostly, I'm just growing older..