Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Makers of K-2 has just come out with another break through synthetic, called J-2. Its Synthetic Jesus in incense form. No need to go to church now, you are automatically saved from hell fire and damnation! Side effects may include speaking in tongues.

   "You should just smile & blow me cause I deserve it!" - Mel Gibson

   Women are SO lucky! They get fat, they get big boobs, we get fat, our wiener just looks small.

   Everything is better in slow motion!!

   Remember the time when Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles. Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, the ORIGINAL Nickelodeon, Saturday morning cartoons. and recess made you a real kid back then.

   Remember when TV was free?

   once told that girls are like a good pair of shoes... you have to break them in!

   all I have to say is ..... HADOUKEN

   not feeling so good I got chocolate wasted last night.

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   Have you ever had your tea iced? .. Your welcome

   I had 99 problems but I took one down and passed it around.

   The best part of being a pedestrian is walking over the hood of the car of the person who stopped right in the middle of a crosswalk.

   OH NO! I'm sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting.

   No one has ever complimented me on my mountain fresh scent. Either people are jerks or this body wash is bullsh*t.

   She wanted to be friends with benefits, but I said no because she didn't offer dental.

   I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.

   Dear Pope, Religion and birth control are more compatible than you may think. Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

   I think sharks eat people just to get on tv.