Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do NOT download the Mel Gibson app on your new iPhone. It attacks all your other apps, then implodes.

   thinking about some chicken fried, cold beer, and wearing a pair of jeans that fit just right!

   ‎*disclamer* no animals were harmed in the crafting of this status update. Stunt doubles were substituted and all theories were tested on a closed course.

   Was in hospital waiting room and had sat on a newspaper that was on the chair. This guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" Didn't really know how to respond... So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again...

   Don't judge me. If you're reading this, then you aren't working either.

   put your hands in da air and wave 'em like you just don't care 'cause it's Friday!

   I just witness a lady shake the sh*t out of her kid in Wal-Mart...she must be a Shakeweight owner!

   Did you put the "Baby on Board" sign on your minivan to let me know you have precious cargo OR to warn me that your going to drive like an a$$hole and pay attention to everything but the road? just curious....

   Working on working on my evil plot to take over the world. But first, a bowl of Froot Loops!

   Don't be sad, don't be blue, Frankenstein was ugly too!

   thinking 9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 1000 getting head and you are reading my status. Hang in there sunshine

   O dang the voices in my head are speaking Spanish again....they know I don't understand them!

   thinks that Edward Scissorhands should be very much afraid of Edward Rockhands...

   if any more of these Mel Gibson tapes get released you'll be able to buy the box set from Time Life by XMas

   I don't care if Monday's blue... Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too... Thursday I don't care about you... It's Friday, and I don't have any real plans for this evening...

   always do right.this will gratify some people and astonish the rest

   has a message to all Gingers. Let Raoul Moat be a lesson. We will find you and make it look like suicide!

   just read that movie theatre popcorn is very buttery and unhealthy, in other news..water is wet! :D

   Men and fish are alike. They both get into trouble when they open their mouths.

   "If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.