Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet you're one of those people who take speed limit signs seriously.

   I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

   Sarah Palin was paid 75,000 dollars for a speech at a California university last week. That works out to be about 25,000 dollars per coherent sentence.

   a friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing "someone's gonna get it!"

   The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything

   ‎- My missus was so sick this morning........That I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast....

   I like the Summertime. But What I like the most is Women, Video Games, Pizza and Beer. So if I get all of those at the same time, then I've pretty much found my Center in the Sun."

   there is so many fun things to do at home that alot of people don't really think about doing but would if they were told about it.. Sitting in Hot tub and playing wii at the same time is one of them."

   I don't see why people are so against gay marriage. I don't have a problem with it. Their main argument is that gay marriage would tear the social fabric. Do you think gays would do anything to harm fabric?

   I don't know why the FCC is always complaining about sex on tv. A little sex on tv never hurt anyone.....unless you fall off.

   Imagine how huge those Japanese Facebook albums must be...

   sneezing + taking a leak + Morning wood= one big mess

   the reason you're afraid of the dark...

   I'm a lesbian and i'm ok. A butch all night and a femme all day.

   Getting older sucks, I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks, but now its more like a bounced check.

   Here is a great way to manage people; look for the good in them and then tell them about it.

   Living the dream........if the dream was about doing laundry.

   I married my wife for her looks.But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

   just realised the phrase is "in with hate...out with love" I thought it was the other way....no wonder I have no friends left!

   the more reasons you hvae for achieving your goal,the more determined you will become