Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes, I'm coming to your party. Please introduce me to everyone before I get there, I don't want to have to explain my whole "deal."

   My apartment is where weird foreigners go to have a loud conversation right outside of...

   If ESPN had a cake show, they could call it "Laying Down a Bundt."

   's misery likes tequila, not company.

   You know you spend too much time on facebook when you start refering to people by their first, maiden, and last name!

   off to Mamby Pamby land for some self-confidence...

   Feminists. If you hate men so much, why are you always trying to be like us?

   named his dog Egypt cause he leave pyramids all around the house.

   wishes they all could be California girls.

   A "Sarah Palindrome" is a sentence that reads forwards, but sounds backwards.

   wishes Lebron went to The Mets.

   outside the bathroom you're an American. Inside the bathroom...European.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.

   During a speech at Columbia University, founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, said his rival at Apple, Steve Jobs, has done a fantastic job. Then Gates froze up and had to be restarted. :)

   Cigarettes...because Skittles after sex just don't cut it!

   there are three kinds of people in this world. those who can count...and those who can't!

   *Insert Controversial topic here*

   Thinking about totally revamping my hairstyle. Ever since Justin Bieber came on the scene, it's no longer acceptable for a 25 year old to have a similar haircut. I'm thinking short, but not too short.

   Given the choice between Parkinsons and Alzheimers, I would prefer Parkinsons. I would rather spill a little beer rather than forget where I put it.