Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being out of shape takes the pressure off at the gym. When that pretty girls winks in your direction, you can be sure it's the toned guy behind you.

   Wish you were here w/me n my room, on my bed, lights off, under my sheets. So that I can show you my new watch dat glows n da dark!

   no those pants don't make you look fat, it's your ass that makes you look fat.

   Do ducks play "me, me, goose"?

   I've been poor and happy and now I'm ready to be rich and miserable. Gimme!

   I've never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at an American Eagle once.

   $3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo.

   The more I think about the lack of thought I put into thinking makes me wonder what was I thinking.

   How many times do I have to roll my eyes to burn any calories?

   thanx to my ex GF,I now have to shave between eyebrows because "stupid me" let her wax there one nite for sh*ts and giggles

   I tried the Facebook Friend Finder and it showed me all the people who deleted me, I think its a tad bit faulty or should be renamed!

   I feel like I hit rock bottom...bouncer at the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night.

   thinks rap promotes punching, boastfulness, and disrespect toward ho's.

   she's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice..yup, I'd still hit it

   the only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.

   I have Bieber Fever. I listened to a song by Justin Bieber and now have a 103 degree temperature, I'm throwing up, and have a huge headache.

   I'd like to be a bird, not for the freedom and beauty of flight...I just want to be able to sh*t on people like a WWII bomber pilot.

   why are men so smart during sex? because hes plugged into a genius

   The Flying Spaghetti Book: Garlic 3:16, And the Flying Spaghetti Monster so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son and that who so ever should believe in him should not perish but have everlasting pasta, rAmen.

   went into BP after getting subway. and spilled my slushy all over the floor. and yelled "YOU DONT LIKE HOW THAT FEEELS HUH!" and left.