Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool.

   Wondering if in the future, robots will have a dance called the human.

   Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films."Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

   Now that the well is capped, legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I've got three words of advice: British. Petroleum. Jelly.

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

   has the feeling I need to do the housework, gonna sit down with a coffee and wait for the feeling to pass

   Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

   reminds you that when someone says "Facebook is a waste of time", what they are really saying is, "I'm too lazy to try something new".

   Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

   - LMAOSHBCSOOMN: Laughing my ass off so hard beer came shooting out of my nose

   Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

   Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink

   Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

   just woke up....looking for my totem now! :)

   Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit por

   gravity is every blnode's enemy

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but this gun in my purse will KILL you.

   My wife has me held captive by her love.. and these handcuffs. But don't call the cops, this is not a cry for help.

   Im not random...you just cant think as fast as me! :)

   I went Clubbing with my Inuit Friends from Canada tonight. Not what I expected. Poor seals!