Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My definition of urgent and yours must be different. Answer this, IS IT ON FIRE?

   I believe in love at first sight which is why I quit looking homeless people in the eyes. Just can't risk it.

   I think this coffee is broken.

   I like to slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the store and then watch their reactions when their checking out.

   If you're starting a sentence with "not to sound like a b*tch," guess what you're going to sound like...

   If girls just wanna have fun, then why do they get upset when you don't want a relationship afterwards?

   If your password is "password" then that is not the only thing I know about you.

   I will kill you, alarm clock. And your whole family and anyone you've ever cared about.

   Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.

   My grandmother just asked me why I don't have any photos on Facebook. Well, at least I know my privacy settings are working properly.

   The funny thing is, you can't tell if I'm naked...

   I can finally sympathize with women after I had to make a CVS trip at 2 am because my XBOX controller ran out of batteries.

   Wanna have some fun? Ask a really stoned person to say the word indubitably.

   You know you're a redneck when you go to Walmart and take pictures of yourself.

   A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   When I start to trip and fall, I just turn it into a dance. "Sorry, can't control the funk."

   No, really, I can't afford to be hungover tomorrow. I mean, unless you're buying, of course.

   It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.

   Won't go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for "spider life span" reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.

   I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.