Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to be afraid to fart in front of my new girlfriend. But today I just decided to let a big one go. She didn't mind. Her dad however was disgusted. The rest of the people at the funeral weren't too pleased either.

   saw a man laying in the middle of the boulevard. with paramedics and firefighters 'working' on him. This caused traffic to back up. I looked down at the man; I looked at the mess of traffic , and thought to myself, "I really hate traffic"!

   You will never hear this combination of words spoken: "hand me that piano".

   I'm officially changing my TV remote's name to Waldo.

   You want to fight?You & me?huhh. Come outside facebook!

   "Happy let everybody else report to work month. See you in September!" ~ Brett Favre

   I'm just a man; but wrap me in aluminum foil and I'll be your knight in shining armor!

   Happy Friendship Day to All !! :)

   Whoever said talk is cheap hasn't seen my phone bill.

   If you listen very carefully, you can hear Monday sharpening its claws.

   If I do enough different things in enough different ways, I may, eventually, do something right.

   I've never met a "Skip Intro" button I didn't like.

   I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives ME dirty looks for listening to everything they say.

   I'd like to thank my mom for helping me out of some real tight spots over the years. Starting with the day I was born.

   HELL YEAH, PAYDAY! I'm going to buy so many taxes.

   I am one beer away from another beer.

   I can tell when were expecting company because suddenly the toilet paper rolls have to go on the dispenser.

   I'm kind of amazed that everyone on Mythbusters still has eyebrows.

   Turns out, when the officer asks why you're not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T-Rex arms is only hilarious to you.

   Party! Party! Party! Lets all get wasted... Hold up wait, who's driving us home???