Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Off is the general direction in which I wish you would f*ck.

   "1 2 3 4, I declare a tongue war!" seems like it would be an awesome pick up line but it's not. Trust me.

   Good... Morning America, Afternoon Europe, Evening Asia, Night Australia... Did I get that right?

   I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.

   One day you're going to look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

   When do you think Brett Favre will be retiring from making retirement announcements about retiring?

   Sometimes the birthday reminders on Facebook remind me of the friends I need to delete.

   AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT AUGUST 2010... This August has 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays, all in one month. It happens once in 823 years.

   Thanks to Facebook, I no longer check breaking news, celebrity obituaries or wonder what the current weather is like.

   "The best revenge is a life well-lived" is so true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.

   I try to surround myself with happy, positive people, but sometimes they just really piss me off.

   I'm already deleting my drunk Facebook status updates, and it's not even tomorrow.

   Only Picasso would have said I look lovely this morning.

   I love to whisper in a woman's ear. Not because I'm romantic, but because I don't want other people to hear me lying.

   BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre sees his shadow. Six more weeks of retirement speculation ahead

   You guys, this is my first ever facebook status update sent from a toilet. Did I do good?

   Brett Favre told the Vikings he is retiring today, but also said he will sign his new contract by Friday.

   seriously doubting that the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about

   Breaking News: Hero pigeon craps on A-Rod during 600th home run trot around the bases

   I wish jobs had a sick & tired of being sick & tired leave...