Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remembering how easy life was in kindergarten. As long as you had the biggest box of crayons and the coolest lunch box you ruled the school......

   You're dating my ex? I ate a sandwich earlier, you want those leftovers too?

   ‎5 Words for us MAN to live by, "NEVER MAKE A WOMAN ANGRY."

   Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing?

   meteor showering with Axe shower gel.

   Your follicles are ugly! Your roots are a joke! I have seen better parts in a mechanic shop!!...Oops sorry, I was teasing my hair.

   Wal-mart employee-"can I help you"? Me-"do you have anything i'd like". Employee-"how would I know what you'd like"? Me-"you started this".

   Archaeologists have discoved the site of Britain's oldest house. It is also believed to be the house in which the Stones first got togather.

   going downhill from now on! HEY. that's the way I roll....

   Tiger Woods' golf game, marriage crumbles. I guess going from 120 holes down to 18 has been too hard an adjustment for him!

   the leader of the show, make the ladies say "Oh!"

   officially resigning from adulthood!!! ...if you want to discuss this further you'll have to catch me first, cos... "Tag! You're it."

   Watching tear jerker movies and eating big bowls of ice cream .. anybody got a Tampax ?

   Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.

   baffled how I have to wake up early every day and deal with people who are unpleasant and David Carusso still has an acting job.

   How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

   A study reported that iPhone users have more sex. Most likely cause is that there's an app for that.

   Do you really have to like everything on Facebook....????

   has come to the conclusion that people who think they are better than anybody else have to think that way because no one else thinks they are...

   as bored as a midget in a theme park