Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember before they had Hummers when you had to actually talk to a guy to tell if he was an a**hole?

   I like being Next,, You can let somebody go in front of you and still be Next. People know who you are. " Who is that"? ... " Oh him he is Next".

   My other Facebook page is a 69 camaro.

   Signs you're getting old. Trying to save something on your computer and you can't remember where you put the floppy disks.

   Has anyone checked on Tupac lately? He hasn't put out a posthumous album in quite a few years.

   Having correctly predicted the vampire craze, I now boldly predict the next pop culture phenomenon. Butlers.

   The price of gold is at an all-time high. If I were a young rap artist, I think I'd ride out the storm in graduate school.

   I'll bet if Andy Capp's wife took that stupid rag off her head and dolled herself up a bit, maybe he wouldnt have to get drunk all the time...

   Wife: I wish I was newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day. Husband:I too wish that you were newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday.

   To prevent injuring your thumb while hammering,have your wife hold the nails.

   Never entrust your life to a surgeon who has more than two band -aids on his fingers

   Happy Independence Day to all Indians out here...Married Men may ignore this message :-)

   I was a little disappointed in my morning.. the crayon said peach.. but it sure didn't taste like peach!

   Realized there is a fine line between a true friend and a fake, two faced back stabber who cares only about his/her self.

   Friends who befriend me can't be a friend in the first place now can they.

   Firefights recently rescued 2 men from an industrial clothes dryer. The men were listed in stable condition but missing one sock.

   wants to be in a relationship with Captain Morgan and live on Parrot Bay

   A man walked into a library and asked for a book on suicide. The librarian said, "F* off, you won't bring it back!"

   Uh oh...just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good.

   thinks, nobody has interest in knowing what brand you wearing in.. so guys PULL YOUR PANTS UP !!!