Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She never lied to you. She promised to be your first and last... she just never said anything about all the others in between.

   I wouldn't feel too good about yourself... "inner beauty" is just a nice way of saying you're fat.

   well in his defense.. You are only his step sister.

   lost my teddy bear.. Will you sleep with me?

   It's not that I need a girlfirend its just that I was told I need some adult supervision. So getting a teenage sitters didn't qualify.

   about to give his doodle dandy a yankee

   anyone who says 'money can't buy happiness' has never been broke.

   Side note for the local weatherman if its 95° and feels like 105°.... then guess what dumbass?.. Its 105°

   Just found a real nice cardboard box outside my work... I think I'll quit my job and move in....

   A Brunette, A Blonde and a Man with Dandruff walk out of an Elevator, The Brunette says to the Blonde "Someone need's to give that guy some Head & Shoulders!" the Blonde asks "How do you give Shoulders?"

   I think instead of a Dislike Button, they should put a Spell Check Button!!

   still wants to know if everybody's still attending my Huge Orgy Party held on December 21, 2012 at my place?"

   you wanna know how to frustrate half the population in an instant?.... NEW facebook!!"

   I just read about a dyslexic cop being fired for operating an IUD checkpoint.

   being investigated by Nancy Pelosi.

   does anyone still miss the old facebook?.. yeah that's what I thought, sell-outs."

   Did my good deed for the day. Rescued a poor little beer from the fridge.....It's name was miller lite and it was a cool little dude.

   Hey ESPN,this is not MTV...How about showing some scores and highlights and keeping your opinions to yourself.enough with the drama.

   You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.

   I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.