Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont care who you are, childhood obesity is hilarious... well, unless you are the child in question...

   When Yahoo! posts an article that says: "What does the 1st Amendment really say?" Don't read it unless you want to be pissed off and wade in the shallow water with the rest of the herd.

   No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

   I was watching 20/20 and they had a feature called "Bait Car" where people attempt to steal the car but the doors lock and the engine shuts off. I wonder if they sell a "Date Car?"

   Look at your status, now back to mine. Now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting useless idiocy and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, now back up. Where are you? You're on Facebook,

   ***Breaking News*** Facebook launches new site dedicated to unattractive ladies posting seductive profile pictures of themselves. Butterfacebook.com

   wishes he knew why his cholesterol number is so high. It's really beginning to...uh, hold on a sec ("Yeah man, throw a little more pepperoni on that thing will ya? Thanks."). Alright, I'm back. So anyway...

   says why is there braille on drive thru atms? Blind people shouldn't be driving!

   Got pulled over doin 71 in a 55. Trooper said, "I've been waitin for you all day".. I replied "Well I got here as fast as I could"...

   just found out red bull has no bull in it -- going back to beef shakes

   Whenever I exit a public toilet, I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting & say "Top that, cowboy."

   If fire escapes were replaced with waterslides people would use them a lot more.

   For most people when you loose your "khakis" you've lost a pair of pants. When you're from Boston and loose your "khakis" you can't start your car

   Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off.

   If you love cats adopt one. If you hate cats support the Chinese cuisine.

   taking my loose change to the club tonight to make it HAIL!

   Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' when parked illegally.

   Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question.

   Until I found Facebook, I had no idea talking to myself could be so entertaining.

   doesn't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.