Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm right 97% of the time...so why does my wife always find fault with the other 4% ?

   already has 99 problems... and ur becoming the 100th one

   Seriously folks, only go in the fast lane if you know how to use it. If you have 2 or more cars directly behind you, you obviously aren't using it correctly.

   I dont see why facebook feels the need to notify me everyday that some of you have changed your profile picture. Unless your naked...I dont give a sh%t

   and three hundred of his friends DIDNT change their profile picture

   Law of Karma operates for nations as much as it does for individuals. Look at the devastation caused by floods in Pakistan. Divine punishment ?

   I went to my first la party the other night and my ex-boyfriend was there with his new girlfriend.. he is so dumb though he came up to me and said "yuck, I thought I smelled you here".....

   Do any of you read? I was reading the Edgar Allen Poe and there is this guy and he is the devil and there is this other guy and the devil says "I am gonna kill you now" and I don't know but it was really good!

   Dude in the truck in front of me, I have no idea where you're going but you've got a huge grill and two kegs in the back of your truck and pulling a trailer with a go cart and a huge inner tube. I'm following you!

   The difference between me and R. Kelly is that when I pee on people I am swimming in a lake.

   If I'm not good at something, I never want to play it again.

   Never get too excited when someone you haven't talked to in a while calls you... they will most likely start with small talk to try and cover up the favor they're about to ask you.

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water I won't need a watch.

   Sometimes when the batteries in the remote die, I take both of them out, switch their places, and they're good as new. I'll always feel like I've tricked the stupid remote.

   When I treat myself to a random hookup, I make sure to give it my all and really wow the girl. I don't need someone out there running around saying that I'm not a good bed buddy or couch buddy. Or kitchen table buddy. Or airport bathroom buddy.

   "Treat others the way you want to be treated" is bullsh*t. All it's ever gotten me is a restraining order.

   My friend said he couldn't tell if it was a compliment or an insult that a hot chick only wants to hook up with him, but not date seriously. On one hand, she is just using you for sex. On the other hand, shut the hell up.

   I never have enough clothes...until I do laundry, then I never have enough closet space.

   There's an "Extreme Heat Advisory" in my city today. Thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I might not have realized it's hot as Satan's balls out within one second of walking outside.

   Just saw a guy hold the door open for his girlfriend, then playfully trip her as she walked in. So, chivalry isn't dead... it's just on life support.