Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog is LAZY. Instead of chasing cars, he just lies on the front porch and writes down the license plate numbers. 🐶

   A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.

   [2025] Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

   Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days

   Leaving the house, I put on a mask, sunglasses, a hat and headphones. You guys, I think I’ve turned into Mr. Potato Head.

   My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale. I sold their house.

   2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.

   These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

   Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right? – Me, bra shopping

   I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

   Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?

   NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

   I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey. Hashtag blessed.

   I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

   My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

   My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

   I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.

   ACED my prostate exam!

   If anyone actually believed the polls, there would be no rioting.

   Maybe we should all start calling 2020 are lucky number and see if things might change!