Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [3am] Me: My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

   The biggest problem in society today is that there is an entire generation of younger people that have never been punched in the face.

   Guys, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be nice and wipe the seat.

   Apparently my wife was just tying her shoe, and didn't want to play leapfrog

   I've been at a hotel in Tampa for a few days. I like playing tricks on the maid. You know that paper band that comes wrapped around the toilet seat? Before I leave, I put it back on. Yesterday, she left me a bowl o

   Amish girls make the best side chicks. They will never call you.

   The long and thin goes further in, yet short and thick's what does the trick.

   2020 is a jerk! It only wants to make our leader look bad.

   If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

   I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.

   If you truly care about the friends you haven't seen in awhile, don't go see them during a pandemic.

   Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.

   Teacher: "Billy give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat, and detail in it." Bily: "When a horse jumps defence, defeat go first then detail.

   Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?

   the more things change, the more they stay the same.

   A woman with her tongue pierced is like Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.

   Covid-19 is the viral equivalent of a hangnail. If you believe this thing is anything more than that, you're an imbeciIe.

   I'm going to name my next dog Nama . So I can say NamaStay !

   "This ain't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   Just because I disagree with you does not mean I hate you. We need to relearn that in our society.