Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I replaced se× with food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   Okay. So they can make fake meat out of plants. Try really impressing us and make a watermelon out of a London Broil.

   I applied for a job at Bed Bath & Beyond. They put me in the Beyond department.

   price doesn't always equal quality. A 50 dollar hooker works harder than 250 dollar hooker.

   How did I miss national procrastination day on March 25th? oh wait I know, I haven't been on facebook.

   HAPPY PROCRASTINATION DAY! which was actually March 25th but I'm just getting around to it.

   Modern technology now has a camera with a shutter speed so fast, it can capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

   Don't forget to wash your phone.

   I see the new iPhone 11 is coming out and if you'd like a sneak preview of it just take a look at your iPhone 10 and pretended it cost $750 less.

   I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

   Betting on the Kentucky Derby is like paying for a hooker. You drop a load of cash on two minutes of excitement.

   Police came to my house to tell me my dog chased someone on a bike. My dog doesn't even have a bike.

   Covid spelled backwards is divoc... As in where divoc is my beer?

   We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

   Covering a beard with a face mask looks like a lady’s underwear commercial from 1972

   After scrolling social media, I wish COVID-19 was a computer virus that took out the worlds internet. It’d be a better world.

   Y'all thought the summer was wild wait til everybody walking around with a hoodie and mask 😅 and it's dark at 5pm

   The police got in a foot chase with a computer hacker. They didn’t catch him. He just ransomware.

   Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to fly a helicopter.

   The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production