Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

   I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

   I'd really like to get personalized license plates for my car but they're so expensive I decided to change my name to XJS-3582

   I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualhyde

   WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza? ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

   Pencer must have done a great job last night. cause that's all the dumasscrats could talk about this morning on the lib news.

   This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

   Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you! Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

   Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

   The creepy Dyson guy is trying to sell me a bagless dream catcher.

   food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction ~Elena Gabrielle

   Kamala Harris looked like a smug litigant on Judge Judy being sued by her landlord for not paying rent; claiming it was a gift.

   I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

   therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

   I found out that Rudy Giuliani was married to his cousin for 14 years. It all makes sense now.

   I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

   With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...

   Left and right wing extremists hate moderates with a passion. It's beyond their limited comprehension to grasp the plausibility in seeing a little truth in both sides.

   interviewer: describe yourself in three words. frankenstein’s monster: a people person