Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I accidentally get married and have 11 children with a woman then realize I dont love her anymore and leave her for my secretary

   Sadly, knowing where the bodies were buried did not save the job of Bob the Grave Digger.

   I was serenading under this chick's window and she still blew me off. Luckily, her grandma was old school. Score!

   I'm a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.

   The entire freak show from the carnival was shopping at walmart and no one noticed....I gave a bearded lady a buck anyway

   I just Googled "Myspace" and google said, "Did you mean FACEBOOK."

   ‎"If you're building a time machine, Take your time. what's the rush?"

   I took a lie detector test the other day, I sure hope I can sell it on ebay

   So does God now root for the Jets or does he stay loyal to the Broncos?

   jus bought a new ride, cruisin thru the hood and was surprised to discover the confederate horn they forgot to mention.

   In dog beers, I've only had one.

   Due to the economy I decided to grow my own food...I guess cotton wasn't the best choice, makes you soooo thirsty

   I think the use of steroids to grow our food is outta control, my apple has a beard

   THREE LAWS OF SCIENCE: 1. IF IT SMELLS BAD IT'S CHEMISTRY 2. IF ITS MUSHY IT'S BIOLOGY 3.IF IT DOESNT WORK ITS PHYSICS

   I was talkin about Muslins today, my coworkers are confused about the terrorist threats of ugly fabric.....my bad

   I woke up last Friday to find a letter from West Africa in my e-mail. Saturday morning, there was one from Nigeria and today, there was one from Jamacia. I have the feeling I am being black mailed....

   I miss Doo Dads and the little peanuts

   Never compliment a girl on Twitter, she'll reTweet it and make you look thirsty.

   when I grew up, Tebows pose was called...The Thinker

   I know a few women that would be considered very handsome if they were men.