Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MY New neighbor just moved here from FarmVille. Keeps asking for help with EVERYTHING.

   eHarmony just said my only compatible match is a bottle of wine and a frozen pizza.

   I didn't get any sleep! I'm so tired I could sleep with a horse... wait

   If I could be anything in the world I would want to be a teardrop because I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

   It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c@ckroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

   Why is it that melted cheese tastes like a zillion times better than regular cheese?

   My Optometrist told me in 8 years I'd have 2020 vision.

   I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

   A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like "What are you doing here?

   I do 5 sit-ups every morning/afternoon. That may not sound like much, but there is only so many times that you can hit the snooze button, before the clock gives up..

   This ugly person told me "I need my beauty sleep" I was think they really need to hibernate

   I hate it when you look in a car window to fix ur hair.. after standing there for 5 minutes... you see someone in the car...

   Mistakes are painful; but as time goes by, it becomes a collection of experiences called Lessons. Live life and embrace life lessons!

   Do you call Gatorade by the color instead of the flavor. 

   When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far and no one can ever tear them apart.

   Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.

   I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: "Bathroom closed."

   The closest friends are the ones that know too much.

   What if , one day you randomly wake up as a baby and realize that you're whole life was just a dream.

   Just nailed the "She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys.." part on Hotel California.....don't judge