Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.

   On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.

   I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.

   I'm more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.

   I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

   "Fight fire with fire" - unequivocally the worst advice I have ever received. My house just burned even faster.

   Hey Alanis Morissette! Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull-out" couch. That's IRONIC.

   When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.

   if he dont get called "gay" enough (even though I'm sure he isnt) Beiber makes a song & decides to call it "Boyfriend".....way to stop the jokes & rumors

   Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.

   blackpeoplemeet.com really ppl i'm a black dude & I know I was never a slave and there is not any slave drivers left so what are we really doing here

   ❒ I am under the influence. ❒ I am above the influence. ✔ I AM THE INFLUENCE.”

   Nice idea Mr Equality-For-All, but before we start those funds can we first make the Caucasians slaves for a couple of centuries and make them fight for their freedom and rights? Its only fair!

   It's time we create the true equal society.... It's time we create the United Caucasian College Fund, and the National Association for the Advancement of Caucasians.

   I just saved a bunch of money on an anniversary gift, by having my GF break up with me

   A black boy in a hoodie is a thug but a white kid in a hoodie is a skateboarder

   It's cute when they put expiration dates on snacks like I won't eat them as soon as I get to my car.

   I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "I MISS ATLANTA" so I smashed their window and stole their radio.

   Some Where In The Ghetto there's a girl using her EBT card like it's a VISA. "What you mean it declined, try that shhit again".