Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.

   Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things

   If I ever meet David Blaine, I will just kick him in the nuts and then scream "Ta-daaah!"

   I fear your addiction to attention and instant gratification is distracting you from the praise-worthy stuff I'm doing.

   I love Scrooge McDuck for his personality, not his wealth.

   Just once I'd like to be able to say that my sound is laid down by the Underground and really mean it. Do you ever get that way?

   Sometimes when I'm sad I cry into my Brita filter. Turning each teardrop into an uplifting refreshing beverage.

   16 and Pregnant? How come I didn't get my own show when I was 16? "16 and smart enough to use a rubber."

   Throwing dollar bills at overweight strippers is my version of cow-tipping

   If a woman accidentally poops while wearing a thong, is that considered a "log splitter"?

   I dont need anger managment classes you need STFU classes ;)

   Wish me luck... I'm off to contest library fines, on the grounds that I'm an "exceedingly slow" reader.

   Facebook keeps asking me, "What's on your mind?", it's like dating someone with low self-esteem.

   "The term CRACKER offendes me" - nobody.

   People are judging you right now. you dont need everyone 2 like u. Its your people that matter. Those who dont give an F change the world. The rest do not. Do things that you consider embarrassing. Accept awkwardness. Refuse boundaries. Live.

   Women are actually the biggest A$$holes.First they call you a ''Player" if you speak to other women then if you don't you're not a 'challenge and they call you "boring''.

   You look familiar to me. Are you the person that my parents warned me about? If so... do you wanna get a room?

   it is "Poke a CNA" week, they have it rough, let's show them some love...

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.