Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.

   Gay people are such great dressers because they've spent a lot of time in the closet.

   Me: So, you like bad boys? Girl: Oh Yeah! Me: Well, I'm not to impress you or anything but at Walmart I enter through the exit door.

   I used to be addicted to soap,,,,,but I'm clean now

   Winning money in front of somebody you owe WinFail

   Here is Spike Lee's Address 1 Dumbass Way DouchBag, Indiana 666666 Feel free to terrorize him.

   What is invisible and smells like bananas? Monkey Farts.

   Attention all crackheads,and homeless people.... it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping $4.39 a gallon gas into my car.

   After reading about Alicia Silverstone, I have some new things to be thankful for...Dear Mom, thank you for not naming me "Bear Blu" and especially for not feeding me pre-chewed, discarded food straight from your mouth!

   I wonder if Michael Jackson actually looks like he did in the Thriller video by now...

   Dear In and Out Burger, I hate you!! Signed, Someone Who Works Down the Street

   Oh you can drink a beer in 10 seconds? You must have a very productive liver.

   Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck

   Ok, so I've got my petrol home. Now where am I supposed to store it all? The bath is already full of stamps and pasties.

   Has anyone seen my invisible pants?

   I once wrote a book on penguins.With hindsight, I realise that paper would have been easier.

   If its okay for girls to wear sweatpants written JUICY on the back, then it should be okay for me to have MEATY written on the front of mine.

   I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for birthdays....It's such a joy to watch their faces light up!

   I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.

   Does February March? No, but April May.