Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath, I suppose I should wait until she gets out.

   I'm trying to find a place inside your heart, but it's hard to start a fire without a spark. Can you work with me here!

   Tweakers tend to use Five Hour Energy's dirty cousin, Five Inch Line Energy.

   Safe sex back in my day was not getting caught.

   It should be against the rules to post anything depressing on Facebook. Shout out to a deceased relative, ok. But no one cares if your goldfish is sick and you hate your life. I dont even care if my goldfish is sick.

   North Korea's Rocket launch was a failure. Well, DUH!! They need to put the Coke in first, THEN the Mentos.

   ure. Well, DUH!! They need to put the Coke in first, THEN the Mentos.

   Show me where it hurts and let me kiss it.

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe, unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   Heard a girl just say that she "literally died". So she's either a zombie or too stupid to live. Either way, I threw a stapler at her.

   What's the difference between "no!, no!, not my ass!" and "mmm, mmm,mmm, mmm, mm"? Duct tape.

   My girl jus told me that she is going to start "act like a woman and think like a man" so I guess that means when she is in the kitchen making a sandwich she is going to be thinking about sex!

   If you own a bar near a hospital and it's not called Flatliners, what the hell is wrong with you?

   Anything with Friday in it can't be all bad. Now Monday the 13th, that's another story.

   Please don't walk a mile in my shoes. Your feet probably smell and I don't want smell in my shoes.

   You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic

   From Kim Jong-un's diary: "Friday the 13th, yeah, that will be a good day to test the rocket".

   It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!

   Fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia. Heck I'm just afraid of that word.

   I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.