Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   "New and Improved" ... if it's something new, how are they improving it? I'm calling B.S. on that...

   You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   I'm currently killing a twelve pack, and every squirrel within fifty yards of my porch. Love me some Saturdays.

   someone filled my blow-up doll with helium...there goes another woman...**sigh**

   I'd have a better relationship with Vodka, I just can't make it last.

   Ok, just heard this on a radio... "Up next is Justin Bieber's Boyfriend." My suspicions are confirmed.

   There is no angry way to say 'bubbles.'

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   Ebonics word for the day "mayonaise". Mayonaise alot of crackers up in here

   going to the ventriloquist show tonight. My roof lamp told me that.

   thinks it's better to be "over the hill" then under it.

   I always read my Krispy Kreme order from a pretend list,, so they think I'm getting donuts for the whole office.

   I'm NOT political,,,,, just wondering if the 'once you go black' rule applies to presidents...

   If I were Vera Wang and I had a boy, I would name him Very Large Wang.

   If you don't enjoy scaring dogs by talking through a cardboard wrapping paper tube, don't bother stopping by my house on Christmas morning.

   How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it's right in front of them?!

   All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.

   The only funny thing about jay leno is that he's going to die someday.