Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I was gaining weight. Turns out, I'm just really bad at doing my own laundry.

   I wish I was in the X-Men so I could always look at Wolverine before a fight and say, "How are we gonna claw our way outta this one?"

   had to quit his part-time job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.

   whos your step daddy once removed by your second cousin?!

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?

   I think I want to start today with a nutritious bowl of oatmeal,,, Cause it'll prepare me for all of the other disappointments the day will provide.

   This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.

   Give a man a fish,, and with MY LUCK,, he'll heat it up in our office microwave.

   Attention, stoners: No, you don't qualify for medical marijuana just because you smoked a blunt and beat your roommates in Operation.

   it's no longer a secret that they are getting serviced.

   I'm still waiting on the movie 'Twilight: Lights Out' starring Blade to come out.

   I want Jimmy Neutron's Brain, Phineas & Ferb's Summer, and Timmy Turner's Goldfish

   You like to sleep? Damn me too. Let's do it some time together ;)

   You know your childhood is over when you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.

   It's funny how you can tell someone likes someone else, but you can't tell when someone likes you.

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, dats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!

   the best. Blink to agree ( :

   enrolled in nursery school..there were no naps, no crayons and no recess, just trees and plants..what a rip off

   I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies.