Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...

   I was reading the ten commandments and got to "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" and I remembered where I left my wallet.

   I tried to come up with the most horrible baby name possible & settled on Adolf Judas Kardashian.

   Storms can be scary to kids, so I tell my son that thunder is God beating Jesus because he "forgot" to put his toys away.

   I am only pretty on the outside.

   Great news, everybody -- my pants aren't tight anymore! (I finished eating all the breadsticks I smuggled out of the Olive Garden.)

   I think Tupac should win a Hologrammy for his Coachella performance......

   What if we're all being punked, and Tupac was always a hologram?

   I'm not here today. This is a holographic representation of me, have a good day....

   I'll check again but i'm pretty sure I could care less that Brad and Angelina are getting married...

   i was reading this article by Oprah and she said her life began at 50, I think what she meant is she weighed 50 pounds when she was born

   If you're wondering what your girlfriend would look like as a blow-up doll, watch her put mascara on.

   I'm like a magician in bed, I'll make all your hopes and dreams disappear.

   don't ya hate it when it's real quiet in a meeting and your hungry stomach decides to make those "dying whale" sounds...

   Awesome idea... You and 2 of your friends go to 3 separate dealerships and test drive the same make, model, and color car. Then you meet up somewhere, all swap cars, and take them back. Then say you'll keep their card and be in touch.

   wondering why the need to pee intensifies by a million when you're trying to unlock the door?

   I just saw the most adorable Asian baby and I tried to say, "Aww, so cute," but her mom smacked me before I got to "cute."

   I bet people working at the U.S treasury make a lot of money. (I write my own jokes)

   Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.

   My local Walmart has 28 checkout aisles except for when it's really busy then it only has 2