Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are a Weapon of Cash Destruction.

   When I was your age, I had to download porn on a dial up connection.

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today then I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.

   Dear women of Jersey Shore, You're making me look bad. Sincerely, Orange.

   I fear the day I get so drunk that I actually accept Facebook's request to change my profile over to Timeline.

   Today I was pulled over by a woman cop... I didn't know kitchens had speed limits

   I found a used condom in my box of Corn Flakes.... I think it was the work of a cereal rapist

   Okay everyone hold.... HOLD... we will slide down and all attack at once!" - Ice cubes in the bottom of a cup.

   When your dreams turn to dust....its time to vacuum.

   fat girls need more lovin. And more bacon...and more fries...and a large diet coke...

   A message to black belts age 10 and under: I feel like I have what it takes to beat you.

   What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

   My wife went out shopping and brought home the escalator. It was marked down.

   "I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let's make this more interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

   Thank you Facebook. If not for you, I would be jealous of my friends thinking their life isnt boring.

   Newton's Third Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time

   I use the word Ni66a so I dont offend any ninjas!

   Nicki Minaj shut down her twitter account saying “A voice in my head told me to delete my Twitter and that's what I did,”Can that same voice tell Justin Bieber to do it also..