Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im gonna get a tattoo to make my pen!s look like a broom...my gf SUCKS at cleaning

   It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! - Rocky Balboa

   Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, keep your stuffed animals closest.

   Put Anthony Hopkins and Robert De Niro on the same screen and you no longer have just a movie ..You have God's favorite movie,

   Ladies, why does it take you so long to get ready? Is it that hard to put on a fu?king apron?

   Ladies: If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't

   The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

   If God had meant for today to be perfect, he wouldn't have invented tomorrow.

   Charles thought he'd struck gold with his metal detector. It wasn't until he'd dug a 60ft hole that he realized that he had steel-toe boots.

   For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   Actually, I can believe it's not butter...

   women who dont wear underwear never get their panties in a bunch

   i have never faked a Sarcasm in my life

   Can anyone recommend a good website where people I knew in high school post pics of their meals?

   I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

   I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

   As I slid my finger down her g-string I thought to myself..... what a nice guitar.

   This girl just agreed to go on a date with me this weekend. Now I just need to email her my terms and conditions and we are good to go.

   When my Mrs left I was sad & lonely :( Since then, I've got a dog, shagged 2 women & blown a £1000 on booze & cocaine. She'll go mental when she gets in from work!!

   This single life is great, I just need someone to share it with