Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   Some would call me a "Foodie", but that definition is too refined. I'm more along the lines of a glutton.

   The good thing about dating Black girls is not having to meet their fathers

   No one ever injured their eyesight by looking on the bright side of things.

   Valentine's Day. The one day out of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   I wrote a book called "House to keep your house clean" Chapter 1: Log out of facebook. The End.

   I may be dumb, but at least I'm not "waiting for March 4th where Trump will be definitely be president again" dumb.

   They said a mask was enough to go into a grocery store. They lied, everyone else had clothes on...

   Has anybody actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   Playing rugby with helmets is for sissies. Helmets are for bikers

   I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

   I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

   Got kicked out of Star Fleet for using the transporter to catch up to the ice cream man after I’ve missed him going down my street.

   Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

   My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work He didn’t suffer, it was instant

   my dr just scheduled my colonoscopy on valentine’s day, do I take flowers or…?

   What a shock. Young white guys defending a mediocre SB half time show.

   Old white guys complained about the SB halftime show because we grew up in a time when originality, actually playing an instrument and not having auto tuned vocals counted as talent. Not like that heap of mediocrity we just saw.

   I hate when people say that the ears are their favorite part of a chocolate Easter Bunny. Gross out with all that wax and stuff, and they stink too.

   Ya all complained about Jlo at the Superbowl snl look what you got, Jock strap Face