Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The inventor of the Hokey Pokey died today. Trying to get him in the coffin was a nightmare... They put the left leg in....................

   This girl I know asked her plastic surgeon to put jewels in with her fake boobs so she can have a treasure chest.

   WANTED: A single girl who can cook, love and has a good Job. Must have a house and a car. Please send me pictures of your HOUSE and CAR.

   Vidal Sassoon, he was head and shoulders above the rest....

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   was talking to the group of cute nurses after work and I told them I have a new SUV. One of them said, "What about the rain forest or the ice glaciers?" I said, "It has 4 wheel drive - we can go anywhere!"

   how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Put him on a stage with Tigers!!!

   My wife says I look tough with my headphones on...she doesnt need to know I am listening to Annie

   If Adele spent more time on her relationships than eating non-stop at Golden Corral we wouldn't have to listen to her whiney ass songs.

   Vidal Sassoon is mourned by all the suicide blonde's who DYED at their own hands.

   I break out into so many random, and quite frankly, brillant dance moves in my kitchen I'm shocked I'm not StepUp-famous.

   This post is so good you will read it twice, this post is so good you just read it twice.

   Of all the things I pictured happening to me today, accidentally giving myself a facial while m@turb@ting was no where on that list.

   Please , with all that is good in life ..shoove those lemons up your backside ??

   If life hands you lemons, hey.... free lemons.

   Hey if life hand's you lemons , you better find someone that life handed sugar and water ,or your lemonaide is gonna taste like crap...

   ..Whenever I'm frustrated, I like picturing my enemies being d!ck-slapped in the face. ..not by mine of course. I wanna hurt em, not kill em..(",)

   I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the brats next door left in my yard.

   Wow, A Vinny Barbarino, an Helen Keller, and a Whoot there is is statues all at the same time. Who left the computer on at the retirement home.

   The best things in life are free. The worst things in life will cost you half of everything you own.