Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small pen!s and a stupid shirt."

   Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.

   Its funny how some people can talk crap behind your back and then act like they got your back when they see you.

   I took my dog over the park and played frisbee with him. He was useless, must get a flatter dog.

   can never tell gay and straight people apart. They all look the same to me.

   If she falls asleep when you're in the mood for sex, consider it snoreplay.

   If I could turn back time, I'd find a way to undo Cher.

   My psychic told me I will soon be ripped off by someone I trust. Knowing that was well worth the $500 she charges me.

   I have never bothered to check if Google actually has results on the second page.

   What a beautiful day outside!!! (According to TV.)

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them.

   middle east tensions? not worried here I survived the 80's....red dawn russian invasion,stray cats rocking towns inside out,and the Gap Band dropped a bomb on me!!!

   Hey, I just met you, and this crazy, but here is my dumbell so spot me maybe??!!

   Gay and Lesbo have sudenly become cool words since they are now "officially" endorsed by the President

   Time to re-boot, these ones are worn right through the sole.

   Safety glasses? On this jobsite, we squint for safety!!

   Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don't make the rules people.

   Dear mom,, I hear babies rip your hoo hoo monster and turn it purple... Hope this card makes up for that.

   Tonight on TV. there's a documentary about white trash.... I only saw the trailer..

   The police knocked on my door last night and said my dog had chased someone on a bike... I called Bullcr*p..... My dog doesn't have a bike..