Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The loser contestants who come back to sing on finale shows suddenly look like escaped mental patients.

   Time magazine's breastfeeding cover is pretty good, but I wish they'd used a hotter three-year-old.

   You'd think with all that money Rihanna is making she'd be able to afford clothes.

   "You're looking festive today" is not a compliment.

   That woman's husband on the cover of TIME looks awfully young.

   Nothing lowers the property value on a woman like a thigh bruise.

   My mother taught me RELIGION. “You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

   If you had 4 kids and your wife was pregnant with your 5th, how would you announce it on the Internet? I am asking for a friend.

   Boy, pregnant women don't like to be called "b!tches" at ALL!

   Shout out to all mothers. The fathers know what they did.

   I woke up drunk , so I kept drinking !

   naming your daughter Penny is setting the bar a little low, isn't it?

   Ellen DeGeneres would make an amazing Crocodile Dundee.

   My husband's birthday is in a few days and as a gift to him I am taking the date rape drug.

   We'd be scared of beavers if trees screamed.

   Girls who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear' know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them

   Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Jersey Shore.

   it cardio if you put on your swimsuit and have a panic attack?

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.