Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My hamster died today,he fell asleep at the wheel..

   Red wine goes with meatloaf, right?

   I hope the dudes driving the monster trucks with the silver balls hanging from the trailer hitch appreciates me sprinkling glitter and glue on them. Now their two disco balls.

   Yesterday I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

   I've dedicated my life to getting under age prostitutes off the streets. For an hour or so usually.

   I went to a brothel today, and learnt something new, like, what my neighbor's wife does for a living.

   Mark Zuckerberg is 28 today and is worth $100B. Reminds me of when I was 28 and was able to purchase groceries without selling plasma.

   "I wasn't that drunk." "Dude you logged into Myspace"

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   Good looks are so important when choosing a doctor.

   The best way to tell if you just got your ass kicked and lost the fight? The cops run to him and the paramedics run to you.

   If anybody needs any light electrical work or masonry done, DM me. I can't help but I like getting messages.

   You don't know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud.

   when I was growing up, we were so poor we would go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other peoples fingers.

   I wonder if Titanic would have been as romantic if Jack would have said, "Hey Rose how bout we let me get on the headboard for just a couple of minutes"....

   Remember back when phones hung on the wall and didn't have caller ID and you'd run as fast as you could to answer it in hopes it was for you? Times sure have changed! Now we can peek at who's calling us and either get excited or pretend we're not home.

   That cougar on the cover of Time magazine is taking' it a bit too far.

   Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

   Post some more song lyrics as your status. Someone will eventually understand your struggle.

   For $2.20 you can get a medium coffee and a free 14 year supplies worth of napkins at dunkin donuts.