Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care how nice my neighbors are, I still wanna put their garden hose in their bedroom window and turn it on around 3 am.......

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot, Sweet and "That's mine, don't f*cking touch it!"

   "Let's just be friends" is a woman's way of saying she would rather mutilate her v@gina than sleep with you.

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   For $38 a share, you can own a piece of Facebook. I want to buy that thumbs-up "like button". Anyone want to share that cost?

   The boss phoned and yelled "Are you still asleep?.... You should have been here two hours ago!" I said "Why... what happened two hours ago?"

   So my neighbor comes over last night and has the nerve to tell me to turn my music down.......So I says "What the heck are you even doing up at 2:00 am in the first place?!"

   Facebook has made me a better writer. My work emails are succinct, well-worded, and they make at least one reference to balls, farts, or sex.

   Wise man:"Some girls beg, some girls borrow. Some girls lead & some girls follow. Some bring joy & some bring sorrow, but the best girls just suck & swallow!"

   I have heard of women that aren't crazy, but I've also heard of Unicorns.

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.

   Keep it up and you will die pretty early in the book I'm writing.

   If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.

   Friendly Advice: If you run out of Chapstick, just use chicken sh!t. It doesn't help your chapped lips, but it keeps you from licking them.

   It turns out Donna Summers lied, She Wont Survive....

   This table is a bit wobbly, one of the legs appears to be shorter, Luckily I have just been given a copy of the new album by Nickleback

   I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!

   Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything ... dial my number!

   I hate people who use mad gay phrases that rhyme, like "What's shaking bacon?" it makes me go insane in the membrane.