Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was gonna deactivate my facebook..but I thought I'd be so proud of myself I'd wanna put it as my status..so I thought it was no point! :)

   Wonder if Zuckererg lost his virginity last night

   If your chinese store dont have bullet proof glass then your not in the hood.!

   People are tired of hearing about my girlfriend troubles, especially my wife.

   What guys use pockets for: 7%: Putting stuff in it. 93%: Secretly scratching their balls.

   I shall share with thee how I emerged as the youthful heir to the throne of Bel-Air.

   I have this bad habit of always using my left hand to wipe my ass. Instead, I'm going to try to commit to using toilet paper more often.

   DOG DIARY: Today was so much fun! My master and I played fetch! CAT DIARY: Day 972 of captivity.

   What's the most sensitive part of your body while m@sturbating? Your ears because you're listening for footsteps ... in case someone walks in on you.

   Why did Facebook go public? Couldn't they figure out the privacy settings either?

   note to self.... on the night your wife turns 33... she is not TWICE as flexible as a 16 1/2 year old...

   The famous 39lbs cat named Meow has died... When reached for comment Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid said Meow's death is CLEARLY a result of the Republicans WAR on CATS!

   The guy that invented caller ID should win a Nobel peace prize. Think about many marriages and jobs that invention has actually saved

   You think you can preach??? I just convinced a Pentecostal woman to put on pants.

   So facebook is now making Poke suggestions. And it could be anything on your friends list. God knows I've always wanted to f**k the s**t out of McDonald's.

   Wow, there you are all hot and everything; then you post a pic of you with your kids...1 and 3 years old. Negate!

   It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.

   If I had a time machine I'd stop OJ from killing those ppl & then nobody would ever know what a Kardashian is.

   If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.

   just had an AMAZING salad at McDonalds. The toppings I chose were 4 big macs & 10 chicken mcnuggets with 9 sweet & sour packs as dressing.