Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those guys with "I Love My Wife" bumper stickers definitely been caught cheating

   While using a public toilet I use the first pieces TP to cover the automatic flusher sensor because its just annoying until I'm finished.

   Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are

   Crayola coming out with a new color Oompa Loompa in honor of Jersey Shore and Willy Wonka

   Whoever said "money doesn't grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed

   During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

   "When the hell did I say all that?" -Simon

   Midwife - People helping people get people out of people.

   I've been trying to throw away this trash can for the past 2 months & the garbage men just keep leaving it on the sidewalk.

   An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.

   Wife: My gynocolagist says I can't have sex for two weeks. Husband: What did your dentist say?

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

   Dear Curiosity, Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

   Uranus is a gas planet.

   My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy...

   Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities."

   A Prius tried to race me from a stop sign the other day. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   Texting + Facebook = Textbook.. so I'm studying right?

   "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" is a fancy way of saying "You look hot!"

   Everyone should believe in something. I believe I will have another beer.